Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
