You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
