I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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