I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
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Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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