hotel room ftw
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Randomize
