I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
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There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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