Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
