Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
why do cheetos always look like penises
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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