I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
