I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
