it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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