Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
