i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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