just tell him i said nine months
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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