i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
