I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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