i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
