Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
