you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
