Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
