I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
