i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
