I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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