I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
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Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
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he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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