literally had 100 drinks last night.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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