I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
