So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
barbara walters just said penis...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
