I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
