my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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