Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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