Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
