as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
