BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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