hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
