She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
