My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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