hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
