I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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