I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
