I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
