Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
