I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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