She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
