she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
