I'm jealous of your bromance
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
