how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
