id be glad to
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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