I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
