Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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