I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
God, I missed his penis.
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