Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
