Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
